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| Courtney and I in 2014 |
We have talked about grief here in this space many, many times before. When one experiences tremendous loss, like losing a child, life ceases to look the same. One day you are a mom of two and the next you are the mom of one.
I know, I know. I will always be Courtney's Mom but it's not the same. I want to hold her, hug her and laugh with her. This weekend at church I heard one of our special ones giggle and I swore it was my daughter. I turned around searching for my girl, almost frantic, and then I saw this sweet little person in their wheelchair laughing.
My heart broke one more time.
This sweet soul was so happy. I imagine my daughter was just as happy up in heaven this past Easter morning. Heck not just Easter, but every single day.
But me...I struggle to find the happy some days.
There is joy in my life, there is. I am incredibly blessed to be loved by the Lord above, unconditionally and with great abundance. I am loved profusely by my husband and son. I am accepted and embraced with grace by my extended family and friends. Life is good...it is.
But there are days my friends, when that heart ache seeps into my spirit and makes me ache for my daughter. I want with everything in me to have her here with me, seizures and all.
When we got the mail the other day, it was a tough afternoon. One filled with frustration and if I am honest, some anger. Taking care of a medically fragile special needs child for 22 years is no small task and the financial burden is intense and sometimes even crushing. It requires a level of trust in the Lord's provision that took us almost a decade to even wrap our minds and hearts around.
I have always been pretty open and honest in this space, good or bad. So I shared my grief and you all did what you do. You prayed and then you put those prayers into action. Several of my Edel sisters came to me with an idea to take care of that hospital bill. If there is one thing I have learned, among a million or three, is that when someone comes to you to offer help, you graciously accept and allow their charitable actions to breath a little love into that ache in your heart.
So the #wegiveabuck campaign is underway. As of 9:23pm today, these awesome bloggers and artisan's have raised $1900. We have $6000 more to go. I am humbled and amazed by the incredible generosity shown our family one more time. I know I have said that before, but there really are no words in the English language that come close to how I feel.
If you feel called to help, you can use the PayPal button in the right sidebar to make a donation. Know that my family and I are ever so grateful for your generous support and most especially your prayers.
Heart ache and grief are tricky to navigate at times but I am getting stronger as time goes by and more astute at identifying my emotional triggers. I can't avoid them all, but I sure can give myself the space to allow my heart to adjust to this new life I have without my sweet Courtney beside me.
Thank you friends for being there for us, in both practical and spiritual ways. Life would not be as full of possibility without your generosity.
paypal.me/forcourtney
Labels: catholic family life, Courtney's World, grief, loss of a child, motherhood
