wednesday musings...a tired spirit...


tonight i am tired ... just so tired ... i love the snow but seriously ... 30 inches ... all at once ... just a little too much ... it's been a tough few weeks ... two car accidents ... praise God no one was hurt ... then insurance claims ... deductibles to pay ... phone calls upon phone calls to make and receive ... aches and pains from muscle strain from said accidents ... body shops ... rental cars ... doctors appointments canceled ... rescheduled ... canceled and rescheduled again ... then there was the grocery trip from hell ... followed by two more for good measure ... at least those people were nice the second time around ... then came the snow ... and more snow ... and then more snow ... then came the shoveling ... and more shoveling ... then I feel and hit my knee at just the right angle to give me the most spectacular goosegg ... along with some lovely purple bruising ... it hurts like hell ... another co-pay at urgent care ... hard to bend but nothing is broken ... I can get to work now ... the world continues on ... God calls people home ... their families grieve ... i help as much as i can ... i  create a plan with them ... we celebrate their lives with the Eucharist ... god is forever ... the beginning and the end ... the alpha and omega ... and the sun goes down ... and the sun goes up ... i am tired ... my heart is heavy and i know why ... i need god ... i need him something fierce ... i haven't been spending as much time with him as i should have ... and it shows ... i am tired ... and i need him to carry me ... to lay my burdens down and rest ... but my mind races and worries ... it's hard to sleep ... it's hard to lay those troubles down ... it's these times i miss courtney the most ... i miss holding her and loving her ... i miss our simple life together ... yes there was drama and worry ... but somehow we were stronger together ... i know she intercedes for me everyday ... i know she does for many ... but it's not the same as holding her ... looking into her eyes and knowing we had each other ... i feel like the cars above ... buried and struggling to figure it all out ... to make it all work right ... there is a new medical condition for me that needs attending ... it requires more change in my life ... i am tired of change ... so much new ... no more new ... even if the new is good and wonderful ... i want my girl in my arms ... surrounded in flannel and love ... just us and the blessed mother ... having a little chat ... knowing it will all be ok ... it's hard to lose a child ... it's really, really hard ... survivable yes ... but damn what i wouldn't give for one more look into courtney's eyes ... one more smile ... one more laugh ... i am so tired of the new ... of the change ... of the challenge to live without her ... not depressed friends ... just sad ... change is hard ... missing her is hard ... handling lots of stress and change at once is hard ... but jesus ... he got it all figured out ... now to seek him and hold on ...

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