blessings and grace - Mary, Jerry, Courtney and Jonathan
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
OK...so here's the thing.
It's the day after a really crappy doctors appointment and I have a headache.
My stomach hurts and as I putter around my house I see all the things that need to be done. The laundry needs to be folded and put away. The dishes need to be washed and dried and put away. The floors swept, the beds made, dinner started, etc. etc. etc.
You get the picture.
Then I go into Miss Courtney's room and all I see is peace on her beautiful sleeping face. She is curled up with her puppy and sound asleep. I just stand there for a few minutes and stare at her.
How can she look so peaceful? How can she sleep? Doesn't she know what's happening?
I kiss her sweet curls and I head to the kitchen to start my lifesaving pot of coffee and as I am standing there listening to the drip drop of caffeine I realize something.
She can sleep because she trusts her daddy and I to make it all better. She can sleep because she KNOWS where she is going and I have no doubt she cannot wait to get there. She is at peace because she is loved for WHO she is, whole and complete right at this moment in time.
So, I take a deep breath (or three) and make a decision.
My personal pity party is over.
I have cried the ugly cry with heavy tears and heaving chest and yes there was snot too. I have lamented my lot in life to watch my daughter slowly slip away into the hands of God.
No, this is not easy.
No, I am not a saint or anyone's hero. I am just Courtney's Mama.
Yes, this sucks noodles BIG TIME!
But guess what.
It ain't over people until the fat lady sings.
And since this fat lady is getting skinnier by the day I don't plan on letting her go anytime soon.
God has a plan and it high time I surrendered to it completely and totally. Remember my word for the year? The one that kept chasing me down?
Well hello humility...it's not so nice to meet you. This stubborn Irish woman has a few ideas she'd like to discuss with you about this whole "total dependence on God" thing? Yea...not really feeling it. However I get the sense your not really in the mood for negotiation.
Figures. I was never very good at following directions.
Obedience has never been my strong suit, or math for that matter.
But alas, I digress. back to my battle cry...
We are not a house of quitters.
We are not a people who just give up.
Hell, it's been twenty years of "I'm sorry's" and "There is nothing more we can do's".
...and SHE'S STILL HERE!!!
If Courtney was a contestant on Survivor she would kick some serious ass. This child has outwitted, outplayed and outlasted every single doomsayer that ever walked a hospital corridor.
Dead by three...Ha...I think NOT!
She's been seizing every day of her life for eight years. Her major organs cannot take much more stress...guess what dude, my girl is all about the stress!
I cannot see her surviving puberty...try again bubba!
She just can't handle much more...I feel like saying "I'm giving you all she's got Captain" in a serious scottish brouge.
Yes, I am married to a Star Trek Geek.
If that doesn't say something about the One above who is the Writer of Life, I don't know what does.
Oh, I know that there will be many more challenging days ahead where the ugly cry will make her reappearance and the crushing pain and doubt will weigh heavy on my heart.
I am not stupid. I am a veteran at this game and I have the mental and emotional scars to prove it. They about as attractive as the ones that race across my midsection.
anyway...I digress yet again...I need more coffee...
This morning the Good Lord was pretty direct with His instructions. It's time set aside all the emotion for another day. There is JOY to be found and work to be done.
There is a sweet angel to LOVE.
Because in the end, that's all I am called to do for my children. I am called to love them just as they are.
Seizures, stubborn livers, wonky spines, stunning buck teeth, awesome Shirley Temple curls and ALL!
I can't stop the seizures from coming.
I can't fix her liver enzymes or her kidneys.
I can't straighten her spine.
I can't even get a brush through those curls some mornings. Oy Vey!
So what can I do?
I can LOVE her as a Mama loves.
I can HOLD her as a Mama does.
I can LAUGH with her as a Mama does.
I can READ to her as a Mama does.
I can WALK with her as a Mama does.
I can FEED her as a mama does.
I can COMFORT her as a mama does.
I can PRAY for her as a Mama does.
I can FIGHT for her as a Mama does.
And at the end of the day, hell, let's be honest, at the beginning of the day,
God's got the rest.