Courtney's been home for 48 hours and is doing well...she is weak and sleeping a lot...but she is here...she is here...we are settling in with a new plan...I liked the old one better...it involved less stress and fewer tears...I hate crying...I am an UGLY crier...snot come pouring forth...my eyes get all puffy...it's just not very attractive at all...I cry...she smiles...I hate saying goodbyes but today I had to say it...twice...we have to change doctors so she can get the specialized care she needs...so we said goodbye to someone who has cared for her for seven years now...so hard to leave that relationship...goodbye...more tears...hugs...more tears...hugs...then there was the staff at her school...I snuck in and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do...Courtney doesn't have the physical stamina to participate anymore... now I have to face a future without these people in our lives every single day...they are a community of selfless heros...they guide our special ones everyday and give them hope for a future...they love the ones society has deemed "a drain of medical resources" or "a noncontributing member of society"...these are the ones that teach us how to love like Christ loves...without expecting one thing in return...they teach...they nurture...they support...I will miss them...each and every one...deeply...they have loved my Courtney well...they have loved her Mama even more...Kilmer Center there are no words that would come close to how precious you are to me and our daughter...there are so many changes coming...too quickly for me to even catch my breath...I know they are necessary but there are so many...my head is spinning...my heart is hurting...my soul is weary...I am trying desperately to hang on to hope...not give in to fear...stay calm...stay grounded in the present moment...present to Court and my hubby...it's harder than you think...much, much, much harder...I love this child with every thing I have...every moment that I have with her I praise God for...there will never be enough time for me...I don't know what God has in store in the coming weeks and months or years for that matter...I just know that I don't want to leave her for one moment more than I have to...I want to savor her smile...her big buck teeth...her crazy honking laughter...her head shaking and scratching her nose...the crossing of her leg...even in the hospital bed...once she was feeling better...she crossed her leg...that's my girl...living life how she wants to...on her own terms...crossed leg and all...
Labels: Courtney's World
