Yep...it's Tuesday...I said I would be back on Sunday...that was two days ago...yes, I am still behind the eight ball here...way behind...it seems this is where I am destined to be for awhile...these days I am struggling in the deep, dark caverns of my brain...it's sticky in there...lot's of doors to open and corners to turn...there are heavy decisions to make...medical...financial...things about the future...my future...Courtney's future...our extended family...what's for dinner...home decorating...what color should I paint the kitchen?...the bathroom?...my nails?...Did you know it's the first day of Spring?...The sun is shinning...the birds are chirping...people are wearing shorts and flip flops...me?...I feel like I am in mourning for a life I thought I would have...that my daughter would have...the whole "trust God with your very breath" thing is really freaking hard...why does it have to be so hard?...why do I have to struggle with it so?...are my prayers really being answered?...is anyone listening up there?..."Hello, God?...it's me Mary...this is really freaking hard...this whole "grace and mercy" thing...this whole 'plan' you have for me and Miss Courtney...you think maybe you could spill a few of the details...show me the plan, man...no seriously...I need a map...a road to follow...right now I am swimming in the deep end of the ocean and my arm floaties are deflating...there are so many dreams yet to be achieved...at least for me...Court holds hers pretty tight to the chest if you know what I mean...so many things we want to do...experience...Hello God? are you still there?...or have you moved on...I'm feeling like your moving on and I am still standing here wondering what exactly I am supposed to do...I gotta say...it's a little grey...hmmm...grey...dove grey...that's a lovely color for Miss Courtney's room...I could learn to love grey...hmmm...Hello God?...grey will be OK right?...it's gonna be OK...right?...Hello God?...it's me Mary...what color is mercy?...what color is grace?...I want my home to be overflowing with your colors...loving and caring for my daughter is all I know how to do...do you think maybe I could do it for a lot while longer...like years and years...yep...that sounds like a plan I could get behind...let's go with that one...dove grey walls...here we come..."
